I'm so angry. Angrier than I've been in a long time. Angry and sad. Normally, I think I deal with things pretty well. I make jokes, I laugh, I poke sarcastic fun at my situation. But I'm tired of laughing about it, and I'm really just tired of the whole thing.
Why am I angry? I'm angry at what my life has become. I was an athlete. A flirt. Strong. Lazily wandering through life thinking I had so much more of it to go. I want that life back. I want a life where I'm not in pain all the time, or being sick. I want to be able to exercise, do MMA, win belts and fights. I want a life where I'm not on medications that I have to worry what they'll do to me or that I have to keep myself from being addicted to. I want my clothes to fit, to not be asked if I'm pregnant or when I'm due from swelling. I'm angry at all the physical changes, that they're pointed out when I already see them, that I feel completely unattractive and undesirable and then have to take a pill that cause weight gain, acne, hair loss, and depression. I want the life I had back, where I felt beautiful and didn't have a self conscious bone in me.
I want friends who didn't abandon me because they weren't able to cope. I had to go through all of this and learn to cope with living with it. The least you could have done was be there. I'm angry that I know what it feels like to go to a movie and not be able to have popcorn because I have to have a colonoscopy. I'm angry that I've been poked and prodded and cut open. I'm angry that I'm 23 years old and I got cancer. I'm angry that I have no control and that I'm afraid all of the time. I'm so so angry that I've been as good a person as I could have been and this is happening to me. That I know some amazing people who have to suffer through cancer and illness. I'm angry that bad things happen to good people.
I want to not have to worry about my job and losing it because I have to go to appointments or go home sick. I want to not feel guilty that the people who love me have to worry and deal with me like this. I'm angry that I may have to deal with these issues for the rest of my life. I'm angry at everything that's happened, and everything that's going to happen, because I know I'm not nearly done having them happen yet. I'm angry that I'm worried about moving out because of this because I'm scared how I'd do on my own after surgery or because of medical bills. I'm angry that if I ever wanted a child, I'd have a 25% chance of being able to do it by myself without doctors intervening. I'm angry that I'd have to worry about a man leaving or not being willing to be with me for that. Or for how I look after having been sick.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I know that maybe it would help if I talked to someone about it, but I know that people are slowly running out of things to say. Maybe I need to talk to a professional, I don't know. It may be something I just need to learn to get myself through. I just know that right now, it's too much. Sometimes all you can do is cry it out and then wake up tomorrow and try to do better.
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