Ups and Downs.

The last few days have been kind of a mental gongshow. As in, I have felt utterly defeated.

There are the normal things that one would expect to bring you down. I have an MRI this friday both to determine what the masses growing in me are, and to see if I have cancer anywhere else that we didn't catch. That's scary on its own, but I'm not relishing being stuck with needles and pumped full of dye and then stuck in a tiny metal tube for an hour. On monday, I have a colonoscopy. Sexy eh? I'm actually terrified in all honesty. I already have a lot of pain in my pelvis from masses and nerve damage, and I know that you're sedated (conscious sedation - still awake!) but the idea of having to do it is enough to make me want to cry. The prep for it is enough to seriously turn anyone off , I'm going to be so hangry and I can't be more than ten feet from a bathroom for two days prior. And then of course I'm afraid of the actual procedure being intensely painful and uncomfortable. Ehh, write now, cry later.

Then there are things about this experience that you never would have thought of or expected to upset you. At first you seem so concentrated on the what-ifs, hows, whys, etc of illness. And then as it progresses and you get sort of used to living with it, other odd things come up that just hit you some days. Like the physical changes. I've never been a self conscious person ever. But due to things like swelling, weight gain, acne, surgery scars, and a whole bunch of other appearance changes, I'm feeling less than beautiful lately. I'm also increasingly gun shy when it comes to dating because of this odd mindset I've developed that no one wants to date the sick girl. I'm sure this isn't true of many wonderful guys, just something my brain has cooked up. Being sick can be a lonely thing. Sometimes people just can't make it to appointments with you, and you get scared and need comforting. I think the thing that hit me the hardest about all of this was the abandonment from people close to me. I understand that illness is hard for people to handle, and some just aren't capable. But I didn't expect it to be some of the people closest to me who disappeared. No visits in the hospital, no calls, no checking in on me, and sometimes stark ignoring. It feels sort of like...now that I'm not fun or as able bodied or now that I have to make time for being sick, I just stopped being as important. This was a really hurtful thing to handle. If there's any advice I can give to friends/family/caregivers, just let them know you're thinking of them. Ask them if they need anything. If they need to talk. It goes such a long way. I really wish some of the people I love had done those things, because even though I understand not everyone can deal with this, I know I'll never think of those people who jumped ship the same again. There have been people though, who have been amazing. My family, friends, people who have just come up out of the wood work to show love and support, and I'm really blessed in that regard.


I needed to vent all of that desperately, so thanks for listening!

I'll be posting about my MRI on Friday, what it entails and how it goes.


Xx