It's midnight, and everyone in the chronic illness/cancer community knows what that means. Pain/nausea-somnia! But since I've enjoyed quite a few medication induced nightmares the last few nights, I'm okay with staying up a little while. Maybe once my meds kick in and I get what's on my mind out, I'll be able to have a nice rest.
With chronic illness or cancer there's sometimes a deep sense of shame. Or intense guilt. You constantly feel that you're being a burden or that the people in your life desperately want to check out of your "drama". There's the pervasive feeling that you aren't doing enough, aren't good enough, aren't making your life what it should be. This is something that everyone feels, sick or healthy. But when you get sick, your dreams and goals are the same and your relationships and job is the same, but your abilities and feelings aren't. And while logically you know you try your best, you become disappointed in yourself and convinced that others are disappointed in you too. Or worse, burdened by your failures. Every time you have to cancel plans. Every load of laundry you put off because you're nauseated. Every appointment you need someone to take you to. Every accommodation or sacrifice they make for you becomes a reminder that you couldn't do it the way it's meant to be done. And then you read all these positive quotes and stories about people dealing with illness and the goal is to overcome with positivity and inspire others with your journey and all these things about courage and strength. Then you realize that you've cried the last six nights straight and you're feeling all but hopeless, and that's kind of another thing to feel ashamed about. That you're not strong and smiling through it, but instead complaining and letting it overcome you. You become not good at being normal but not good at being sick either. If that makes sense. It all screws with your head a little bit. You start to wonder if you ARE trying hard enough or if you're somehow bringing this on yourself, or ruining your own life. Even though you know logically it isn't true, But you beat yourself up every time you can't do something or snap at someone out of pain, or when you think you talk about your problems too much, or every time you have to have a nap instead of going out. Physical pain and discomfort constantly is awful. But constant self doubt and shame is much harder to overcome. Some illness stories aren't the positive find your light and help others do the same kind. You just strive for it. But for sanity's sake it's more important to be authentic. You have the responsibility to do the best you can and be the best person you can with your illness. But you also have the right to feel how you feel and not have to feel guilt about it. And you deserve people who help and listen because they love you, not because they're doing you a favor.
Man. That's a heavy dish of jellybeans for 1 am. I guess, in summary, I wrote this all out to remind myself that you can only be responsible for what YOU do and feel. Everything else you have to let go of. Because you can't control it any more than you can control your illness or getting cancer. As my favorite quote says, "A tiger doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep". Sometimes even the sheep in her own head.
Goodnight all.
