I have taken a break from posting for awhile, mostly because I felt that I wasn't able to express myself truthfully because I'm so ashamed of it, and because I'm so frustrated with people around me(some of them) that I feel I don't want to explain myself to them anyways.
As an update, my cancer tests all came back negative which is amazing. They showed a few other things, polycystic ovaries, beginnings of liver disease from the heavy medication use, etc. I also have been to see the chronic pelvic pain doctor who confirms I have it. As some measure of controlling the pain, I see him every week for lidocaine injections to the pelvis and back. He also put me on continuous birth control to stop menstruation, and an antidepressant called Elavil which has been shown to help with the transmission of nerve pain. I still have percocets and toradol, as well as lidocaine cream.
There's no other way to say it, but that I'm worn down. I'm mentally and physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm in constant pain, a constant state of nausea and exhaustion from taking three different kinds of medications that are all sedatives and all in high doses. It's extremely hard to work a full time job when you're struggling to stay awake or not throw up or working through pain. I have no social life to speak of, less and less people that I trust or that have stuck around, and an increasing frustration trying to make it understood that I'm doing the best I can without seeming pathetic or like I'm making excuses. I'm exhausted of being afraid of injections and surgeries. Tired of being angry at people and struggling to forgive them, and chasing after them trying to make one sided relationships work. I don't know how to cope properly anymore and I can feel it building into something not pretty. On my darkest days, sometimes I question why I even got a second chance, because what kind of second chance is living like this? Sometimes, I even wish that I hadn't gotten one and that the cancer or the infection had just killed me. I know that's deeply ungrateful and I'm more ashamed than I can say. But despite how hard I try and how hard I try to be brave and act like it's no big deal, my quality of life compared to what I had before is depressing. There's no other word for it. I'm committed to digging myself out of it, whether that means higher antidepressant doses or seeing someone about it, but I needed to express it so that the people around me understand that I'm not doing okay about this anymore. I'm tired, in pain, sick, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm sorry, so sorry, for the pity party, and I'll try to resolve to be more positive. As always, thank you for reading and sticking by me and understanding.
